At least Bush can stay on task!

As a person easily distracted by shiny objects, I can sympathise. But I don't want to be president! This comes from the John Edwards campaign in Iowa:

At a farm in Cylinder, Iowa, last month, when latecomers unfolded chairs, he paused from remarks about Iran. “Are you going to keep rattling chairs while I am talking?” he said, not in an unfriendly way. Later, he had to be reminded by them what he had been talking about.

I mean, what would happen if he was deciding on whether or not to push the button and a squirrel ran past the Oval Office window?

Not allowed to serve.

Veteran's Day is always tough for me since I'm patriotic and have always wanted to serve my country. I feel guilty that I have not done my part like so many others. And with the new incentives to join coupled with the fact that at the age of 41, I still have one year of eligibility to join up. But the military has always found a reason to turn me away.

Right out of high school, I went to the Navy, but they said no because I had ulcers at the time. In my early 30's, the Air Force recruited me to be an officer, then denied me because I was a sleep walker. Several years later, I was ready to go into the Army Reserve and made it all the way to the physical when the doctor pronounced my mitral valve prolapse a "heart murmur" (which, according to my cardiologist, isn't). I don't see how any of those things could stop me from pulling a trigger, but rules are rules and I still respect an honor those who went...and are still there.

Thanks. For all you do.

If Ohio State doesn't win the BCS Championship...

...whoever does should send Illinois a really big fruit basket. Or one of their scholarships.

I'm just sayin'...

Hillary Clinton claims she is qualified to be president because of the time she already has spent in the White House. I wonder if Monica Lewinsky ought to run for president.

Like global warming, it has been assumed, not proven.

Bring on the bacon!

Any dog owner knows this already

This is an intersting study, but, as a dog owner, all I can say is, "Well, duh." Check out paragraph four about the original study; must have been done by cat owners.

'Cause I'm ethnocentric and love bashing other countries, especially France

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

NOTE: None of these are original. If you don't like this, its not my fault...

At least they weren't truck drivers!

Having flown over the boredom that is Kansas, I can completely understand.

Fred, when you get to Hell, you'll be rooming with Hitler

BTW, that's a soldier dancing on the grave.

Take that, Pack Leader!

OK, now that we've accomplished this, on to the doorknob mystery! *woof*

It must be Bush's fault!

The global warming kabal must be thrilled that there is a tropical storm this late in the season. I mean, tracking this sort of thing is so much more important than actually helping the people in the Bahamas.

"Wuthering Heights" starring Miriam Bell

"Oh, Heathcliff!"
(sorry, it had to be done)

Hey there Little Red Riding Hood (Miri prepares for Halloween)

Mama always says, "Cutie is as cutie does." And why isn't this pumpkin made of chocolate?

It's a pumpkin chorus! A one and a two and a...

Tuning up for Trick or Treating. *ahem* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimme.

Thank you, BoSox

By sweeping the Rockies, you have brought another interminable baseball season to an end. And early, at that. God, I hate that game...

No, let's not!

Help! I was walking past the music room at the lower school, and I heard something most horrifying: "The Time Warp" sung by kids! After class, I had the teacher play it for me. Not only were there pre-adolescents singing the Rocky Horror classic, but (and I'm not making this up) NONE OF THE LYRICS HAD BEEN CHANGED! *shudder*

Don't believe me? The album is called "DJ's Choice: Kid's Pop Halloween Songs," (c) 2003 Turn Up the Music, Inc.

With a bit of a mind flip is right!

Cavemen, er, cavepeople

Yes! Finally, the evidence for what I have said all along: we dorky red-heads are just evolutionary throw backs. Cute, sure, but just a bunch knuckle dragging mouth breathers...

Variation on a classic

Classic:
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve grasshoppers here!" The grasshopper says, "That's okay. I only wanted a beer."

Variation:
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Dave?"

Think you have problems with squirrels now?

"They may take our lives, but they'll never take our acorns!"

49%

Add two more: Colorado and Minnesota.

Sorry, no good stories.

It pretty much went as planned, with only two problems:
1. I was lost for one hour in Minneapolis trying to find my hotel on Saturday night.
2. There was a 30 minute delay in Denver due to snow.

It sure is beautiful up there in Minnesota. All extremities crossed! I'll know October 29 if I got the job.

Start again!

OK, I'm still going to Hibbing, but no longer driving the entire way. Last night, we went to pick up the rental car at Hertz and was told they had no more cars, even though I had a reservation. Hertz sent me to Enterprise, who would not honor the unlimited mileage (turns out Hertz would not have, either, even though I had a reservation slip from them with "unlimited mileage" printed on it). So much for the cheap car.

We went home and I got a last-minute flight to Minneapolis from Wichita. I leave Wichita at 3:30pm, have a 3 hour layover in Denver, arrive in Minneapolis at 10pm, then get a rental car (confirmed, paid for and verbally checked!) for the 3.5 hour drive to Hibbing. I'm done in Hibbing around 3pm on Saturday, then don't have anywhere to be till 6:30am Sunday, when my return flight leaves Minneapolis. After another 3 hour stay in Denver, I get back to Wichita at 12:30pm.

One plane change allows the airline to lose my one piece of luggage, but at least I can add two more states to my list: Minnesota and Colorado. ("The furthest west I've been? The Denver airport. The furthest north? Hibbing, MN.")

Give this man the Pulitzer

I will never look down on sports journalism again, not after I read this. Wow. Nervy and truthful.

White line fever

I will be driving quite a bit this weekend, as I have been offered an interview in Hibbing, MN. The library needs a youth services librarian and pays half again more than I am making now. However, I'll be spending 11-12 hours alone in the car each way. "Harry Potter" on tape is a good thing.

For those of you thinking, "Hibbing, MN? Where have I heard that before?" It is Bob Dylan's home town.

Turkish Delight

During the Balkans crisis (remember that one?), my military history teacher had a solution: give the Turks whatever they want and let them go. I still believe it.

They say One's dentristy is diabolical.

It looks fine to me.

Honestly, though, how is this news? I mean, have you seen the Brits?

The Season of Candy

I have determined that here in the US, there are two seasons: summer and candy. As summer wanes, the amount of candy available begins to skyrocket due to the approach of Halloween. That amount stays high all through winter and spring because of all of the candy-oriented holidays along the way. It finally comes to an end just after Easter, when the last cream egg disappears from the drug store counter. Then summer begins again. Or should that be called "The Season of Diet."

If it weren't for the honor, I'd decline!

This weekend was the final weekend for boat tours at the zoo. The main animals to see are lemurs, and they were taken in to their winter quarters on Friday. I enjoy piloting the boats, so when I was given the last run on Sunday, I was thrilled. I should have declined...

It was cloudy, but the threatening rain had not shown up all day, so it seemed unlikely to start. I took out five visitors, who were happy for the late afternoon ride, even though there were no animals to see. At the turn-around point (10 minutes out, 10 minutes back to the dock) the heavens opened up and rain came down in sheets. Visibility was lousy as I gunned the engine to get back. The passengers were wet but laughing, so I figured all was well. But, as we were about minutes from the dock, the engine stalled and would not restart. As the rain came down even harder, I discovered the primary gas tank was empty. I told the folks to cross their fingers as I checked the auxiliary tank. A little bit of liquid sloshed in it and, praying it wasn't just water, I switched over and fired up the engine. We made it to within sight of the dock when the engine stalled again and we coasted into the berth, my game passengers singing the "Gilligan's Island" theme.

As we were secured to the dock, it stopped raining. I offered refunds, but nobody took and went away laughing. I asked the team leader about the gas. Apparently, those in charge decided not to buy any more for the boats since it was the last weekend and the main tank "was full this morning." Rather than beat her to death, I just clocked out and went home for some soup.

Look before you leap

Under the heading of "Just because you can doesn't mean you should:"
1. Putting beans in your nose
2. Amending the Constitution to protect the Flag
3. Skydiving
4. Swimming with sharks
5. Impeaching Bill Clinton
6. Dressing in armor and fighting with swords when you are 41
7. And this.

I'm an old man...

...but this makes me feel great! Go Vinny!

Joke (kinda)

What goes clippity-clop, clippity-clop, BANG! BANG!, clippity-clop?

A drive-by shooting in Lancaster County, PA.

A confession...

I'm a librarian, complete with fancy degree from the top library school in the United States. I work hard to encourage reading and literacy. The Dewey Decimal System holds no mystery for me. And I can shelve books with the best. But, here is my secret librarian sin...I don't read much.

I'm not a bibliophile. At library school, when all my classmates gushed about books and libraries growing up, I admitted that librarianship looked like a good job. On quiet, rainy afternoons, I don't curl up with a book, I take a nap. I'd rather go for a hike in the woods than get hopelessly lost in a used bookstore. And those creepy old stacks in a library are, to me, just that: creepy.

As a kid, I read voraciously. Then I hit college and reading became work. And in library school, 90% of what I had to read was crap. Boring crap. By academic librarians. Oy.

What was the last book I read, cover to cover? No idea. What was the last item I read where I didn't skip whole chapters just to finish? Don't recall. What book influenced me the most? Probably a short one.

So now, when patrons are aghast when I admit that I haven't read the book they are holding, I just smile like the Cheshire Cat. Which was, I think, a character in some book...

Misplaced tradition and the Cubs

Here are some suggestions from somebody that hates baseball,but is interested enough to see that change is needed.

First, North siders and other Cub fans need to realize that the "storied tradition" of the Chicago Cubs is one of failure. Looking back fondly on failure is not healthy and helps to create to the atmosphere of losing that the team is mired in. Remember, failure is a habit. "Lovable Losers" should not be nickname used fondly. Once they can all realize that, change can be made and for the better. Please, keep that in mind as I extol.

1. Change the uniforms! The wimpy little letter "c" on a bright blue cap does not instill fear in an opponent. Go dark blue and put a large old English "C" on the cap. The Cubs are not an American League team, so why dress like one?

2. Move! Let's face it, Wrigley is a dump! Fans and players expect better facilities these days and keeping Wrigley just because it is the oldest park in the majors is just keeping up with the tradition of failure. Some options:
a. Rebuild. Knock down old Wrigley and make a new, state of the art facility with the look of the old place. See Camden Yard and Fenway Park for examples. Take the ivy and that awful Harry Cary statue if you must.
b. If it won't fit in Wrigleyville, move to a suburb. There are plenty of successful sports franchises that exist outside the limits of their city. Try Plainfield, the fifth fastest growing suburb in the nation.
c. Go to Indianapolis. Indy has been desperate for a major league team for as long as the Cubs have been losers. And franchises move all the time, usually for the better. The Dodgers, Giants and A's are the best examples.

To go forward, you can't look back.

POTUS trivia

Presidents have never really been that popular...or healthy. If W. finishes his second term (which he should, barring accident or Pelosi), it will be the first time that two presidents have finished two complete, back-to-back terms since (get this) Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) and James Madison (1809-1817). Nearly 200 years of indecision and death!

A useless statistic, to be sure. You'd think I would enjoy baseball more...

Island hopping, rodent style

It seems simple enough: send the little buggers to this place. Nobody will even notice.

Funniest (and saddest) moment in Ameican history

This happened on December 21, 1970. Elvis wanted to be a DEA agent at large and Nixon wanted to look more in tune with young people. And, lo and behold, we got this shot. And here you thought I was going to say it was the Cub's 2003 collapse (this year's should be even better).

Rah.

Homecoming is today here at The Independant School. There is nothing in the world like the sound of 1st graders singing (screaming) the school fight song (set to the tune of "On Wisconsin"). This afternoon we will all troop over to the auditorium, where high school kids will chant and scream, and scare the living Hell out of the grade schoolers. Then, all teachers will be forced to participate in the homecoming parade. Joy. Go. Team.

This sort of thing is hard for librarians, who as a rule, never cared for this sort of thing, even when we were kids. But, if you insist...Go Illini!

Here Leezard Leezard

Miri is into toy animals and she has a lot of them. She is especially fond of lizards, frogs and dinosaurs. So when I went into her room to pick up, I was not surprised to see a lizard that I didn't recognize. But when I bent down to pick it up, it ran off! Apparently, as the weather starts to turn, the Great Plains Skink may move indoors.

Well, I have nothing against lizards that eat bugs, but I didn't want Miri to freak if she saw it. It had run under her bed, so I had Frippen flush it out. I scooped it up and put it outside. Maybe it will eat a few of those huge, brown spiders that show up at this time of the year.

Back from the dead

OK, back to posting. I just got over the flu, which had been going around the family (Cole and Miri were feverish and sleepy; I got the whole thing Tuesday and spent the afternoon on the bathroom floor). Now, after an extra day of sleeping, I can get back at it, whatever "it" might be. But I missed "Talk Like A Pirate day." ar...

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of...Red Cream Soda!

ARRRR! Shiver me timber, me hearties. And don't ye be fergittin' that tomorrow be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! So go into work wearing a really big hat and fake parrot, and answer the phone "Ahoy!"

Avast ye!
Musket Max (according to the Pirate name generator)

OK, but who cares?

I sure don't. So, please pass the potatoes with a side of global warming. And the A-1 sauce.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070913/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_climate_meat;_ylt=Altwmx16lOthgJfizbljxRntiBIF

Vanity, thy name is Osama

Most men dye their hair as they get older in order to attract younger women. Apparently, bin Laden has to look younger to attract younger followers. And since most of his followers are young men...

I'm just sayin'.

43%

That is all I've visited. Not very impressive. AND the furthest west I've ever been is pretty much were I am right now.

Book Reccomendation

All I can say is, "Wow!" Great story, well written for kids, and the illustrations should have won an award!

Arthur and the Sword by Robert Sabuda. (C) 1995, Atheneum Books for Young Readers. ISBN 0-689-31987-8.

(Cindy and Melissa: go get this one for your sons!)

Now THAT'S religion!

Maybe the Cubs should convert to Hinduism...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20590374/?gt1=10357

Enemies list

Like Mr. Nixon, I have an enemies list. New to it: 5th graders. Lippy little bastards. Since they are the oldest in the lower school, they think they know everything. Its almost too bad that I will not see them next year as 6th graders, as their egos get a big dose of middle school smack-down.

Yet another reason to hate August

1. Too damn hot.
2. School starts.
3. The mosquitos have gotten so big they need aircraft ID numbers.
4. No holidays.
5. Baseball is STILL going.
And for me, I never got a day off. Between my two jobs, I worked every day in August. Every. Single. One. So, for the first time in my adult life, I actually want a beer!

Yes, it is hot. But...

Call me a procrastinator, but I have finally made up my mind on the global warming issue. And, it is a non-issue. Is it getting warmer? Yes. Did humans have anything to do with it? No. Historical and geologic records are better than anything most scientists have come up with and they show one thing: Earth has occasional climate changes, with big ones about every 10,000 years and minor ones about every 2000. Well, we are due for both. So, sit back, crank up the A/C. As we said in central Illinois, "If you don't like the weather, wait around and it will change."

Here is something else the panikers have neglected: in all of their research, they left out the opinions and data of meteorologists, the people who actually study the atmosphere. These experts pretty much are in agreement: we are due for a climate change. So give your weatherman a break if your picnic is rained out.

And finally, my suspicions from 2000 were confirmed. Al Gore is an egocentric loon.

Please pass the gravy

According to the following article, Mississippi is the fattest state in the union. I wonder if Wal-Mart sells a lot of king-size white sheets...

http://health.yahoo.com/news/178814

More animal stories

Yet another cool animal encounter at the zoo! On Sunday morning, I was cleaning the glass at the lion enclosure (on the public side, that is). On the other side was Fern, the baby lion (in the picture, she is on the far right). As I used the brush and squeegee, Fern pawed and bit, trying to catch them through the glass. She even stood on her back paws once, trying to reach them up high. I'm six feet tall, and her head was above mine; not much of a baby anymore, is she?

So, no matter how big, how ferocious or how wild a cat gets, its still a cat!

Bonk!

For fun, I do foam fighting. That is, dress up in pseudo-medieval garb and armor, then hit my friends with padded weapons that (kind of) represent actual ones. As we say, "We want to kill our friends, not hurt them." We even wear helmets so we can smack our opponent's head. Which I'm starting to think may not be the best idea...

So, there I was in the doctor's office yesterday. I thought I had a concussion from fighting on Monday. My buddy Allen was in a really bad mood and nailed me most powerfully with a pole arm (axe on the end of a 6-foot long pole). No pain, but I could feel the force move from the left side of my head, through my skull and come out my right ear (the eardrum even puffed out). I developed a choice headache and slept very well. The next day I was still very sleepy, had the choice headache, was blinky and walked around in a world about 3 degrees off center. The doc saw no evidence, but, since symptoms of a concussion can develop up to to a week after the incident, he advised that Cole keep a close eye on me in case I get goofy. Goofier than usual, I guess.

Let's stay on task, shall we?

OK, I just sat through my first faculty meeting. All 2 hours of it! The agenda was only one page long but teachers, God love, cannot stay focused. Maybe that's why kids have ADHD: they catch it from their teachers!

And don't get me started on the peanut allergy debate...

Hey, der, polka boy, go home and suck a beer!

Well, of course in Wisconsin. If they had their way, the drinking age would be 12. (And you can buy beer at the Milwaukee County Zoo!)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20249460/

Wise men say...

...Only fools rush in.

http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=272030&affid=100055&GT1=7702

Thank God the Tiki Room is Open!

Many people have asked me about my tiki room, especially since it was reborn after Liza left. Here are a few pix to enjoy! Sorry if they are dark, but the place is in the basement after all.

The big Moai is here to greet you as you enter. We call him "The Big Kahuna."
This is what passes for the bar. Since I don't drink, it is just a bunch of mugs I have collected.
More big tikis, 'cause you gotta have big tikis. The dude with the beanie baby on his head is "The Other Kahuna." Please note the photo of the King looking down on us all.
The actual tiki collection. A few good stories here: the dark ones on the upper left were ordered from a place in Hawai'i. The guy included a note that said that, in his over 30 years of business, he had NEVER shipped anything to Wichita! The light brown guys on the upper right are examples of "you never know what you'll find at a dollar store." Finally, check out the tall tiki on the far left. It is a real carved wood figure made especially for me in Hawai'i. My girlfriend from high school and I reconnected and she had her mom (who I always thought was not fond of me) get it carved and brought back. I was so happy. All I could say was, "wow." Over and over...

Even feminists want a manly man!

Check this out! I love this woman...

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Investing/HomeMortgageSavings/WhoPays.aspx#pageTopAchor

Yet another new job.

OK, here's the story:

Back in October, I was laid off at Exploration Place. The new president was hired in June and he decided that all the middle managers had to go, regardless of their usefulness to the museum. Rather than just doing the brave thing and firing us right then, he decided to make us quit. So he started a campaign of transfers, promotions of others and cutting of responsibilities till all but one of us quit: me. I hung on till the end of October till he got tired of paying me for showing up and trying to do my job, so he canned me. So at least I got unemployment for 6 months...

Seven months later, all I had to show for all my job chasing was plenty of interviews and no offers. On June 1st, I started a "joe" job at the local zoo, 35+ hours per week in the blazing sun. But I needed a real job. Cole and I decided that if I did not have a real job by June 30, I would pack up and move back to Illinois (room with my buddy Karl) and she would stay in Wichita with Miri till I could find work.

On June 28 (a mere 2 days before the deadline) I was offered the job of Librarian of the Lower School here at the Independent School in Wichita. My buddy Allen was so relieved that he nearly cried (nice to have friends like that). I started on August 1st.

It is a major pay cut, but we don't have to move, I have insurance and I'm back in the library business. I'll be keeping my zoo job on full weekends through August, then go Sundays only. Cole may need to find part-time work as well, but we'll see at the end of August.

Whew. To quote C-3PO: "No more adventures!"

Busy Girl!

Miri can certainly pack in a lot in one day! Here's a little tour:

Wake up time! Let's go Mr. Piggles! Sorry Spongebob, no jellyfishing today.

Jump on the new tricycle and head for the mall. Looks like I need a new hairbrush...


La,la,la,la. La,la,la,la. Miri's World! Complete with sandbox, two slides and a water play table. It used to have a canopy, but the nasty ol' Kansas wind blew it away!


Look who Frippen and I found crawling through my yard. An ornate box turtle that I named "Mine!"



Well, I'm done playing outside in the 100 degree Kansas weather. I think I'll peruse this new selection from my library.

Hmm...I wonder what I'll do after my nap...ZZZZzzzz...

What a great part time job!

I have a part-time job at the Sedgwick County Zoo here in Wichita. It is pretty cool, since I get to have lots of encounters with animals. Such as...

On Sunday, I was sent out to detail (pick up trash). I grabbed a bucket (a green one, which is important) and headed for the chimp and orang habitat. When I got there, I noticed a large group of humans by the chimp glass, who were faced by the entire troop of chimps on their side of the glass. It turns out that the keepers were there (with the humans) showing the chimps a small anteater for their amusement. While I watched, one of the older chimps noticed me and walked over and started to casually look into my bucket. Pretty soon, the whole troop was over, all trying to get a look into the bucket of trash. Since they were no longer interested in the anteater, the keepers came over to see what was up. I professed confusion as to why the troop would give a damn about trash, and was told that the keepers bring in their food everyday in a green bucket. Oops. Sorry there guys and girls, didn't mean to make your stomachs growl.

And here is our new baby giraffe! Ain't she the cutest?

Not really a celebrity, but...

I love being in the paper!

http://www.kansas.com/mld/kansas/entertainment/15410255.htm

More proof...

...that it is not the government's job to take care of you!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060814/ap_on_re_us/katrina_evacuees

AhOy gevalt!

And now...the man who puts the "Oy" in "Ahoy!" The Captain of the Cart! The Skipper! Captain Steubing! The Captain from Captain and Tenele! Graduate of the White Star Line School for Helmsmen! The ConTiki! Ladies and Gentlemen...Cap'n Chuck!

Would you buy a used golf cart from this man?

AhOy gevalt!

And now...the man who puts the "Oy" in "Ahoy!" The Captain of the Cart! The Skipper! Captain Steubing! The Captain from Captain and Tenele! Graduate of the White Star Line School for Helmsmen! The ConTiki! Ladies and Gentlemen...Cap'n Chuck!

Would you buy a used golf cart from this man?

Too damn busy!

It may be a while before I update the blog; summer camp has started here at the museum and I'll be pretty busy (as opposed to just pretty). But at least you can enjoy this:

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/13168398/?GT1=8211

The anti-Shirt cometh!

One of my co-workers, Sheldon, is a great guy and all, but today he committed a great heresy: he wore a monochromatic Aloha shirt! No colors, just shades of grey in a tropical pattern. Wrong, wrong, WRONG! I must now summon the Hawai'ian inquisition and stamp out this heresy!

Or, he can buy me lunch and all will be forgiven. We have easy penance in the First Church of the Sacred Ugly Shirt.

Kansas or Wisconsin?

Miri's latest word popped out yesterday during a snack break. Cole held up some string cheese and asked, "Do you want this?" Miri smiled and said "Cheese..." Now she'll expect the good stuff!

A few minutes with Groucho

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh...Now you tell me what you know.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

A new allergy

I like to joke that I'm allergic to the planet, but I've never had a food allergy. Till now, that is. It seems that I'm allergic to blue corn chips. Just the blue kind, not the white or yellow. Weird. I mean, I had them twice over two days and was covered with a bright red (but not itchy) rash both times. I'm SO glad Cool Ranch Doritos are not made of blue corn; I'd be rather put out.

Expectations

It is amazing how quickly and without warning how other's expectations can change. You can cruise along, thinking you are doing well, getting seemingly positive reinforcement from those in charge, when all of a sudden things are completely different and your life is in turmoil. You go from "great job" to "not good enough" in the space of just one day. Then you have to spend even more time at work, missing all the reasons you go to work in the first place.

I want to go home...

TR and the 21st century

Sometimes it is best to look to the past for insight into current events. President Teddy Roosevelt had this to say about immigration in 1907:

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the! American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Who lives in a pineapple...

Miri has been babbling for quite some time, as well as being able to
say short words, but the other day, she said her first multi-syllable
word: "Spongebob." I'm so proud!

Cheer up!

Feeling down? Stressed? Unhappy? World got you down? Well, be like Miriam and take a trip down the slide! Just look at that face! That's happy!

Before I die...

Someone just asked me if there was anyplace I wanted to go before I expire (whenever that might be). I came up with only four:

1. England. Not Ireland, not Wales, not Scotland, ENGLAND! See Windsor castle, St. Paul's, York cathedral, eat fish and chips and visit the Tower of London.
2. Rome. I got a master's in Roman history, so I really should see the Forum and the Coliseum.
3. Hawai'i. Tiki paradise!
4. Graceland. Check out my profile for the explanation for that one.

Will I make it to any of these? Probably not till retirement, though I may be able to hit Graceland on a trip to Florida ("Daddy! I wanna go to Disney World!")

Once a knight...

My interest in knighthood and chivalry gets deeper with each passing year, especially now that I am a member of an existing order plus the fact that I have a re-enacting persona that is a Knight of the Garter. Don't get me wrong: I realize that the real knights of Europe were not much like the ideal we have come to see in legend. It is those legendary knights, however, that we should be looking towards as our world gets less and less cordial.

I have become involved with a program called Chivalry for Children, a free class for kids that teach seven paramount virtues of knighthood: loyalty, charity, humility, perserverance, honesty, courage and courtesy. We tell stories, get the kids involved, show off knightly symbols and swords, then knight anyone (kid or adult) who wishes it. The whole thing is amazing: I have been involved for over a year now and I am always impressed with how the kids sit enthralled for an entire 45-minute presentation, then with their seriousness as they take their knightly vows.

This program is one of many things that has happened in my life recently that is helping me make peace with myself and my past. Striving to be a better person can be a struggle, but I can give this advice: share what you love with others. They may just love it, too.

Wile E. Coyote-Super Genius

I've always been a big fan of coyotes. Great survivors! Hunting them has always been a bad idea, since eleminating the large predators from an ecosystem causes smaller, even more annoying species to prosper. Anyway, canis latrans, Latin for "the talking dog" has an amazing ability to survive anywhere. And I mean anywhere! Check out this dude:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060322/od_nm/life_coyote_dc_5

Weepy Daddy

I just heard this song and it made me all weepy. Poor Miri, with the marshmallow dad.

The Things We've Handed Down by Marc Cohn

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

Everybody needs...

...a ukulele! I'm learning to play and it is the happiest little intstrument on the planet. Just strumming it makes me grin and I haven't learned a single chord! Stressed? Get an aloha shirt, some tikis and a ukulele and you will be transported to happy land (which I guess is somewhere near Hawai'i).

Growing older but not up

I did a short TV spot yesterday for my job and, when I saw it later, I noticed that my 40 years are finally starting to show. I'm not so fixated on my weight anymore (for my daughter's sake) but my face is starting to show the passage of time. So am I getting old? Nah...just older! Life is a barrel of monkeys right now, with my new job and little girl. And my wonderful wife just gets more beautiful every day. Not bad for a forty year old...

Huh.

I have no idea what to say about this...

Still funny

I can't get enough of "Whose Line is it Anyway?"! I've seen every single one, over and over, but it is still outrageously funny. Never seen it? The American version is on almost every week night at 9pm CST on ABC Family. The British version can be seen occaisionally on Comedy Central. Collin rules!

New year, new job, new perspective

Here I sit at my new job at Exploration Place, a kid's science center in Wichita. I am the Programs Manager, inventing, developing and supervising program stuff...and having an absolute blast! The experiment as a librarian was an absolute failure. I enjoyed my time with kids, but those times were few and far between. Spending my day on the circulation desk and banging my creative head against the thick hides of the unbalanced and parochial females that ran the library only made me tired, crabby and very angry. So, when this job came along, I jumped at it! I've been in program for so much of my working life that this was just the place for me. Fun fun, fun!

Miri turned one in December. She nearly three feet tall and is the most fun loving little person I've ever met. The other night, while waiting in line at a pharmacy, she noticed a very unhappy man behind her and proceeded to dance and mug, trying to cheer him up. Little diva...

Renn faire rolls along well. We have gotten involved with the court at the Great Plains Fair and are having quite a fun time. We have some awesome garb and the Queen loves to hand out "bling" (shiny objects to pin on garb) to her loyal courtiers; I have so much now that I don't need to wear armor anymore. And, I will be inducted into the Order of the Garter this April, so just call "Sir"...

One sad note: I have lost my tiki room. Our good friend Liza fell on some hard times and we offered our home till she could get back on track and, unfortunately, she had to go into my tiki room. Oh, well, I had one for a while, and Cole promises that I will get another some day. At least my tiki's weren't packed away; they now live on some shelves in the bedroom.

OK, OK, now leave me alone!

Well, for all of you that have been whining about the fact that I haven't updated my blog in a while, here is a little something for you to think about:
1. It's my blog and I can let it sit and grow moss if I want to AND
2. Maybe you should tell your boss you don't have enough to do!

Wow. And what a season it was...

Well, it wasn't a national championship, but it was great. Thanks Fighting Illini basketball for all the achievements this year.
1. The best record in men's division 1
2. Only two losses, with an average loss by only 3 points
3. A winning average of over 10 points
4. One of the greatest comebacks in tourney history against Arizona
5. Classy wins in the Big 10 tourney after Coach Weber's mom died
6. Making Dick Vital eat crow all season
7. Longest run at #1
8. Dee Brown

Again, guys, thanks.

Final Four time! Go Illini!

Old Princeton yells her Tiger,
Wisconsin, her Varsity
And they give the same old Rah, Rah, Rah,
At each University,
But the yell that always thrills me
And fills my heart with joy,
Is the good old Oskee-Wow-Wow,
That they yell at Illinois.

Os-kee-Wow-Wow,
Illinois,
Our eyes are all on you.
Oskee-Wow-Wow,
Illinois,
Wave your Orange and your Blue.
Rah! Rah!
When the team trots out before you,
Every man stand up and yell,
Back the team to victory,
Os-kee-Wow-Wow.
Illinois.

Final Four time! Go Illini!

Old Princeton yells her Tiger,
Wisconsin, her Varsity
And they give the same old Rah, Rah, Rah,
At each University,
But the yell that always thrills me
And fills my heart with joy,
Is the good old Oskee-Wow-Wow,
That they yell at Illinois.

Os-kee-Wow-Wow,
Illinois,
Our eyes are all on you.
Oskee-Wow-Wow,
Illinois,
Wave your Orange and your Blue.
Rah! Rah!
When the team trots out before you,
Every man stand up and yell,
Back the team to victory,
Os-kee-Wow-Wow.
Illinois.

Final Four Time! Go Illini!

Old Princeton yells her Tiger,
Wisconsin, her Varsity
And they give the same old Rah, Rah, Rah,
At each University,
But the yell that always thrills me
And fills my heart with joy,
Is the good old Oskee-Wow-Wow,
That they yell at Illinois.

Os-kee-Wow-Wow,
Illinois,
Our eyes are all on you.
Oskee-Wow-Wow,
Illinois,
Wave your Orange and your Blue.
Rah! Rah!
When the team trots out before you,
Every man stand up and yell,
Back the team to victory,
Os-kee-Wow-Wow.
Illinois.

That icy, cold feeling

Tuesday, January 4th, 2PM. A large ice storm moves into Wichita and takes down the large tree in our backyard. That tree then falls onto the electric line to our house and pulls it down. So, no power and no heat since. We've been living in a hotel waiting for power to be restored, which could be Wednesday or Thursday of this week, due to the massive number of power outages in the area. Oddly enough, the phone and cable (same company) were also cut off, but that was repaired in just two days. We would have just stayed in the house, but the three days following the ice storm had temperatures well below freezing. Monday morning a kerosene heater will be delivered and we'll move back into the dark house. And I've had to work EVERYDAY this week. Ask me how I feel about Kansas...

On a good note: the #1 ranked University of Illinois men's basketball team is still undefeated! Go Illini!

Get over it!

Let me begin by saying that all the Democrats I know are perfectly reasonable people who accept the results of the last election and are busily working on improvements to their party so that it will be viable in the future. Good for them. But what I can't get over is that the far left is so unbelieving of the fact that more people wanted Bush re-elected than put their invisible man in the Oval Office that they are turning into a bunch of petulant little kids. For instance:

>Hollywood has-been Chevy Chase needs a boost for his lagging career, so to get some much-needed publicity he's launching another attack on our president.


"Even certified Hollywood liberals were reeling after Chevy Chase's potty-mouthed Bush-bashing Tuesday night at the Kennedy Center," the Washington Post reported today.


After fellow travelers Alec Baldwin and Susan Sarandon accepted some cheesy little awards from the hate group that calls itself People for the American Way, Chase, PAW's master of ceremonies, "took the stage a final time and unleashed a rant against President Bush that stunned the crowd. He deployed the four-letter word that got Vice President Cheney in hot water, using it as a noun. Chase called the prez a 'dumb [expletive].' He also used it as an adjective, assuring the audience, 'I'm no [expletive] clown either. ... This guy started a jihad,'" the Post revealed.

Chase raged, "This guy in office is an uneducated, real lying schmuck ... and we still couldn't beat him with a bore like Kerry."

PAW's president, Ralph Neas, clucked: "Chevy Chase's improvised remarks caught everyone off guard, and were inappropriate and offensive. It was not what I would have said, and certainly not the language People for the American Way would ever use in discussing any president of the United States."

PAW's founder, Norman Lear, who still hasn't kept the promise he made to the Wall Street Journal to move to New Zealand if Bush won re-election, said: "I thought it was utterly untoward, obviously unexpected and unscripted and all that stuff. And, uh - it was Chevy Chase. He'll live with it. I won't."

P.S.: Democrat soon-to-be-ex-senator Tom Daschle, the Post tattled, "looked taken aback when he went on directly after Chase."

Daschle's opening line: "I've had to follow a lot of speakers, but ..."<

I still don't know which was worse: Chase's rant or the fact that somebody was coked-up enough to give Sarandon and Baldwin an award for "protecting democracy."

Now I really am Miri's dad

It is a bright, breezy day here in Wichita, and my two best girls are having a snooze. I can't say that I blame them; it was a rough few days.

Miriam Joscelyn Bell was born at 5:42pm CST on Wednesday, December 8. She weighed 8 pounds, six ounces and was 20 inches long. She has lots of black hair and grey eyes. She came after nearly 12 hours of induced labor and much hollering and carrying on. I felt pretty useless through the whole thing, but at least I was there. Afterward, Cole (her mama) was exhausted, in pain, very hungry and more beautiful to me than ever. Later on, after I returned home from letting the dog out (poor Frippen!), I expected to find her out cold. Instead she was wide awake, smiling, hair back in place and ejoying hospital french fries. God, I love that woman...

Miri was very well formed for a newborn and the nurse cleaning her commented to me that her feet were very large. "Better go by a basketball, daddy," she said. I'm thinking fencing gear: tall people have a better reach!

We spent one day at the hospital (swanky corner suite) and got home last night about 9PM. Frippen wants to be a good big brother dog, but his terrier personality is overwhelming and annoying. He'll adapt, though; he's a good dog. Cole is breast feeding, but apparently it doesn't move quickly enough for Miri. She was up most of the night yelling for food. Finally, a little formula this morning satisfied her and Cole was able to get a nap. We don't have a bottle, though. I need to pick one up when I go grocery shopping today.

It was a great experience for all and we are looking forward to watching her grow. Check back here: I tend to brag.

Chuck, now Dad-man

Music in the air

With the holidays here, it is hard to escape all of the cheerful, festive music being played in both homes and stores. Cole and I were talking about it, and I came up with my 3 most favorite tunes and two least favorite. Not that anybody really cares, but that is what you get for reading this.

Most Favorite:
The Christmas Song (any version is worthy, but Nat King Cole's version is still the best)
I'll be Home for Christmas (what great history this song has! Look it up and get a new appreciation for the song)
Sleigh Ride (Mel Torme's version: skippy doodly wah)

Least Favorite:
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (Have twangin' country Christmas, y'all)
Jingle Bell Rock (such awful lyrics...)

Well, today is Miri's due date, but still no little girl. *sigh*

Political cartoon

As both a librarian and a member of the vast right-wing conspiracy (which according to the American Library Association are mutually exclusive), I reccomend this cartoon:

http://www.time.com/time/election2004/cartoons/20040609/2.html

Oh, and no baby yet...

Dennis Miller sums it up

"If two gay guys want to get married, I couldn't care less. It's their business. If some foreigner wants to blow their wedding up, I want my government to eliminate him."

Dennis Miller, Jan. 2004

Yet another great book!

I love this part of my job! Here is another great picture book:

Mole and the Baby Bird
by Marjorie Newman, illustrated by Patrick Benson
Bloomsbury Childrens Books, 2002
ISBN 1-58234-784-0

Chuck

10 days and counting

After this morning's OB appointment, Cole is in the "any minute now" stage. Of course, it could still be December 6th before Miri shows up. I'll keep you posted.

Chuck

Yet another book

There are many, many, MANY "Christmas miracle" story and picture books out there, but I just found one that tops them all so far. Go out and find a copy of "The Christmas Cobwebs" by Odds Bodkin (grin), illustrated by Terry Widener (Guliver Books, 2001. ISBN 0152014594). Not Caldecott level illustrations, but a wonderful story.

They should have made this one instead of destroying "The Polar Express."

Traffic hazards

Dammit! If you own a dog, don't let it run free and unsupervised! Not only is this impolite, but it is dangerous for the dog. I hit one on a busy street last night, which I consider a tragedy. I love dogs and to be the cause of pain to one of those happy, trusting creatures is soul-crushing to me. But it could have been avoided completely if the dog's owner had not let it roam free. Moron! Idiot! Poor dog...

Hard to believe...

I really am going to be a father soon. Cole and I finished the last little touches in the nursery this morning and it was so cute that I got a little weepy. Now all it needs is the baby!

And it might be sooner than we expected! The due date is in 3 1/2 weeks, but is already showing signs that lador is approaching (no details: I don't want to embarrass her).

Chuck

Itsy-bitsy spider

Last night, while getting ready for bed, I noticed a small brown spider moving slowly across the floor. Usually, I leave spiders alone since they eat the bugs I really don't want in the house, but something about this one made me think twice. I killed it and checked it out. As I suspected: brown recluse, complete with little violin pattern on it's thorax. Great. The second most deadly species of spider in the US has taken up residence in my house. Uh! Kansas!

On a more happy note: Only four weeks till the arrival of Princess Miriam Littlegirl!

Kid's fiction recommendations

Gee, maybe the childrens librarian should recommend some titles. Okay! Let's go!

The Edge Chronicles #1: Beyond the Deepwoods
The Spiderwick Chronicles 1-5 (series complete)
Midnight for Charlie Bone
The Puppeteer's Apprentice
The City of Ember
Bailey School Kids (series)
Among the Hidden

Picture books:
Sector 7
Tuesday
Showdown at Lonesome Pellet
An Octopus Followed Me Home
any of the "McDuff" books by Rosemary Wells

Post -election thoughts

OK, usually I'm not one for conspiracy theory, but since this one is my own, I'm going with it:

Most people seem to think that Sen. Kerry conceded the election because the Ohio numbers really weren't there, added to the fact that the President won the popular vote nation-wide by 3.5 million (and beating history in the precess). I think, however, that he conceded because he got a call from Clinton: "John, concede. You aren't supposed to win. You are screwing up Hilary's 2008 campaign."

Just an idea. :) Oh, and...Rudy G. in 2008!

Chuck

Now when I was a boy...

Our first Halloween in Wichita brought a surprise: not only is there no specified times for trick or treating, but kids are driven from house to house by their folks. Hmm, let's see...take your kids out for sugary treats and make sure they don't get any exercise by walking. Oy, these kids today!